|TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this
damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even care
that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for DAYS before
they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able
to FIND the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!!!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER the
chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL
BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE STUPID DAMN BULBS CAME IN!
WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A
WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.
THE HOUSE!!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
|What I Want in a Man, Original List
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4 Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8 Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
|The Garden of Eden
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious
comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster
and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
will revel in childish things like fighting, traveling fast in strange objects, and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so
he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically eyebrows raised, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well,.....you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made Him first. And it will have to
be our little secret!
"You know, woman to woman."
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